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...I have written a "coming out" letter...
...I have drawn the line of what I am willing to accept...
My father wrote with a Parker pen...
...All i want to do is make everyone i care about feel amazing...
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Diane:
You can't know how many times I have started this letter to you over the past few years and have not completed or sent it to you.
But now I have the courage, clarity and conviction to do so and I hope that you will evaluate the sentiments in it and their source with the open mind, care and consideration that you have always shown in your dealings with others.
We became friends through church and our relationship was strengthened by our pilgrimage in 1991. (Was it that long ago?) After that we continued to be friends and both of us, I feel, wanted the friendship to develop more deeply and intimately. And it did. Throughout this period, you were always supportive and I felt truly loved by you. You were a person with whom I could share my most precious thoughts, my deepest secrets, my most vulnerable persona. You responded with constant care and compassion.
I remember the many phone conversations we had, the many dinners we shared at your house and mine, the discussions of mathematics, science, religion, politics. We traveled to New York together for that "over-the top" wedding. You met my family; I met yours. We went to church together. And on the pilgrimage we acted as co-parents for the others (you more than I). We became physically intimate as well. I had hopes of making a life together with you.
But it was not to be.
This next part may not come as a surprise to you. Yet, as with most people, there is something that remains cache and there is with me. What you did not know then was that I was dealing with my sexuality and the growing awareness that I was bisexual.
For years I have struggled with my sexual orientation and have finally come to accept the fact that I am gay. Years of individual therapy, family counseling, and self assessment have been difficult and painful for me but have brought me to this peace of self discovery.
I remember your letter after that Thanksgiving in which you wondered why I had invited you to my home to celebrate the holiday if I did not care for you. I did care for you and actually had many fantasies of a life together with you. I knew who you were and what your life was all about. I did not know fully who I was and what my life was all about. I know I caused you pain, certainly confusion, and gave you mixed messages
You may speculate and wonder what my life has been like as a bisexual brought up in an Italian Catholic family. You certainly have your own recollections of growing up and, perhaps, lingering issues. I know the reality of my struggle with my sexuality introduced unfair anguish into my life just as it gave anguish to my wife Marie. I was forthright and honest with Marie before we married and I am thankful for her courage so many years ago in agreeing to love me anyway, and for letting me love her. Despite the later sadness, we helped each other achieve so much and we made a good family with fine children (whom I realize we will be raising together until the ends of our lives).
There is more that I can tell you now. I have researched and studied what determines a person's sexual orientation; I know now that there were things that were determined for me at birth and not by choice. You are probably aware of this as well. I have learned to not feel guilty over what I am but instead to respect and to live fully who I am with integrity.
When I saw you at Arlene's birthday party then again at her mom's memorial service, I was reminded of how kind, generous and loving you are to your friends. You certainly were to me. You were a very big part of my life for a number of years and I truly regret that our friendship did not continue.
I know you are familiar with the issues about sexual orientation. I remember your talking about a friend from Chicago who was going through a similar search and personal assessment.
I have written a "coming out" letter similar to this to my son H, my daughter G, to my ex-wife M, to my sister V (although she knew), and to other family and friends. I have not told my elderly Aunt L (91) or her son or the Italian relatives in Italy (I'm not sure how that other generation will understand, much less accept this news) but you may feel free to share this information as you see fit. In a sense, it doesn't matter to me; but rather it does as a way in which I can be open and honest with others as much as possible. I have not changed my basic personality, character, beliefs, faith, or values. I believe I continue to be a good person who can do (and has done) good for others.
In a letter to our faith community this past year, (tailored in large part by my spiritual guide, Father R) Archbishop B commented on the Instruction from the Holy See regarding the clerical abuse of underage males by priests. He noted that "widely accepted scientific studies indicate that there is no connection between the clerical sexual abuse of underage males and homosexuality. " . . .The Instruction makes it clear that homosexual persons "must be accepted with respect and sensitivity and that every sign of unjust discrimination in this regard should be avoided. " Many faithful Catholics living a moral life who are homosexual “. . are valued members of our community, and their love for Christ and the Church is evident in the way they strive each day to live the Christian life."
At my church, the inscription on the oculus high up in the dome reads “I am in your midst as one who serves”. That is my personal interpretation of religion, or better, spirituality. It is God working through us and in us to serve others. I feel I am one who serves, in my personal as well as my professional life. I consider myself to be a moral, kind and generous person and that will not change. I am who I am. I would like to think that the way of living that is natural and comfortable for me now is a gift from God that I have finally come to appreciate and to utilize to do good.
We don't have any choice about what genetic “deck of cards” is dealt to us at birth. My daughter G, my son H, my ex M and I were all given certain traits and strengths, which we have used effectively. We simply have to be responsible for ourselves, do our share to bring good to others, and play the hand the best way we can. I am prouder than ever of what I have accomplished in my life. I am proud of my family in a similar way for what they all have accomplished.
We are all worthy people who deserve to be able to love and be loved. I loved M quickly and easily when I first met her and continued to love her not only through the years of marriage, but also to this day. Even though our ways of caring for each other weren't a right fit to keep the marriage together, I am grateful for our years together and grateful that she and I were able to create our family with our children, G and H. I appreciate that she and I will be able to “co-parent” them for the rest of our lives.
I am truly sorry for the grief and anguish I brought into your life and hope for your forgiveness. Please know that I did care for you; in fact, I did love you but was paralyzed from moving forward with our relationship because of my self doubts and my sexual ambivalence. You deserved better than that; you deserved better than me.
I hope that someday we may be able to be friends again. You are a special person and have been an important and strong cornerstone of my life in recent years. I wish you true happiness and all my very best wishes for the coming holiday season.
Sincerely,
Carlo
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Distance
This is not about you.
This is about me no longer allowing myself to be treated badly.
I am maintaining a distance that I feel comfortable with.
And right now I am not comfortable being with you or talking to you.
I spent far too long becoming more and more upset, angry and depressed because I felt I was being continually ignored. I had always hoped things would be better and so I allowed myself continuously to go back only to be hurt or ignored again.
I decided enough was enough.
I decided that I needed to spend less time around you because the result was increasingly negative for me.
I allowed you to control me.
And now I have decided that I am not going to follow your agenda any longer.
I am tired of being secondary in my own life.
When you decide that you want to "save" our relationship I wondered which relationship you were saving?
I do not feel I can share anything with you. I do not feel I can trust you.
This relationship is not based on a balance that I want to take part in.
I am puting an end to this relationship because I do not benefit from it.
I am not willing to risk my own happiness to be part of this "relationship" as it stands.
This relationship is going to need work for me to want to re-insert myself into it.
Right now I do not have the energy to fix it, I need a break from trying to please you.
I feel that no matter how hard I try, I feel I can never do enough.
This is my problem and I am taking care of my problem by creating distance for myself.
When I feel I am showing myself the respect I deserve but never allowed myself to have,
Perhaps then I will be able to talk to you and meet with you.
I have the right to protect myself and my happiness.
I have drawn the line of what I am willing to accept.
-A sister
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Dear Roy,
I have spent my whole life dreaming, and counting the years for when i would get to see you again. I felt so different compared to other children my age. I felt so different because you were missing. I still have that memory from when i was 5 and you were over my grandmother's house to visit and had a birthday cake waiting for me but then you had to leave for St. Martin before i got to eat the cake. You promised that you would return to see me again and from there i have been counting the years. To this day, you still haven't come back to spend time with me in the united states.
After some time, my mother decided that it would be best that i spent some time with you next year. this was an excitment for me. My dream came true to see you once again. I imagined everything to be so perfect and in some aspects it did; spending some of the classics moments fishing with you. The other part turned into my fear of being around you again, after the countless beatings i would recieve from you. I would have difficulty with a math problem and your response was to beat me.
After years of traveling with my mother, i still yearned to spend some time with you but was still skeptical. My mother would not decide where she wanted to live in the world and i was getting tired of losing my friends on a yearly basis. I was angered by her past actions which in many ways obliterated many of my future hopes and dreams. I had enough and the only option to get away from her was to live with you. From the sound of your voice, you seemed not as tough as before and more welcoming. i was begining to like the idea of living with you again but little did i know, it was going to be a disaster.
I saw your face again and noticed that you had aged but your face was still familiar. i was proud to be your only son as you said it. nothing was better than being with you i thought. you treated me like a prince for a long time but your habitual workaholic ethics came into effect after a while. i would spend some time without seeing you, hours, days and sometimes for a whole week. yet again, a dream was shattered. my depression began to consume me and took over my every action. the little mistakes i made, came back to me in bombardments of cold sharp words. the last blow of words blew me to tears for the first time in years when you said, "maybe you shouldn't of have been born."
You are a very admirable person. I look up to your ability to be very social with the people you know and meet. that is something i strive to do on a day to day basis. your ability to make me completely wrong after my countless reruns of my factual evidence still astounds me. you're arguing capabilities surpasses the usual and i try to be like you when trying to win an argument. There are many things and many reasons why i want to be just like you but thing i do not is being a poor father. I have learned many good things and bad things from my experences with you. i will still always be here for you and will still always love you.
your soft hearted son,
gregory
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My father wrote with a Parker pen,
drank beverage,
wrote checks at the kitchen table,
his hairy legs showing
from the space between the pant legs
and the socks.
he sat like a man.
I climbed on his legs
like sturdy branches,
and felt cradled.
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B B B B B I always felt that i had an awkward tension around the people i love most (other then my mother). I feel that some times because i do not feel good about myself i can suddley make people feel bad and self concsious about themselves. This really hurts me because i do not want to hurt or make any of my loved ones feel uncomfortable, but through my own low self esteem i can hurt these people. All i want to do is make everyone i care about feel amazing and know that i love them more then i can describe and that all the things i could of said or done to hurt them i am truly and greatly sorry for. I have no rife deep down for all the people i love other then the rife i battle with daily internally. I can not describe enough how much I love everyone in my life and i just want them to know that better then any object or money they truly are the most spectacular thing a human can experience. so in the end the only thing i know for real is love and most importantly the love i have for each one even the ones i can not stand to be around any more.
B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B In conclusion,
B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B I love you all!!!
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